Cosmo-tastic again

“Here are some of the signs that your guy is about to give you the axe.”

These are the kind of statements you will hear if you subject yourself to watching CosmoTV. That’s why I do it rarely, and only for educational purposes. Like a social experiment, to see how high my annoyance factor rises over the course of an episode.

Although relationship advice has become a kind of cult-like dogma these days, I think that pin pointed tips to a successful love life will never magically fix the problems a couple faces. And when Cosmo starts dishing out the five things a guy will do before he breaks up with you then a gaggle of girls absorbed in the doctrine will actually fly into a panic if their boyfriend sneezes twice after texting someone while looking slightly suspicious on the third Monday of the month. The power that we give to silly rules is insane. So as I promised, here are some more fun facts that I caught a glimpse of during the commercial breaks:

36% of women have had 2-5 sex partners in their lifetime

73% of online Cosmo readers say they feel hornier during the weekend than during the week

56% of women think a man doesn’t need to be married to have kids

47% of guys have made a sexy home video (puh-leaze!)

56% of guys love to watch you apply body lotion (oh lala)

37% of guys will forgive you for cheating

14% of married women admit to cheating compared to 22% of married men

So, after all this valuable learning I watched a bubbly woman interview girls about the types of sunglasses best for you. One of the titillating questions was, “Would you break up with a guy if you happened to wear the same shades?”

Then there was an eye-opening segment that discussed ways to lift your mood. My favorite suggestion was “copy the catwalk.” In other words, taking bigger strides boosts your attitude. Hmmmmm. The next time I'm feeling blue I'll put on some heels and strut...very helpful once again, Cosmo.

Strange and wonderful

Narrator: “This is a story about a man named Harold Crick and his wristwatch.”

When everything seems to fall apart, there is always hope. In Stranger than Fiction, a man whose life is a monotonous, robotic series of motions learns that living is more than vapid habits. It takes some drastic changes in order for him to start living the way he has always wanted to.

Penned by Zach Helm, this story is the most original concept I have experienced in ages, with a brilliant cast of talented actors that bring it to life. Will Ferrel is our leading man, who plays Harold Crick, an IRS auditor who calculates and times every instant of his life, from the steps on his morning commute to the dots in his tie. I have to say that this is the most moving, heartfelt and powerful performance of Ferrel’s career thus far. He is so profoundly human, and fragile, in his search for a solution to the most alarming dilemma. Death.

When revered tragedy novelist Kay Eiffel starts narrating Harold Crick’s life it becomes a bit alarming. While brushing his teeth one morning, Harold believes he is losing it when a British female voice describes his habitual tendency to count the amount of brush strokes while he cleans his teeth.

Dr. Leffler: “I'm afraid what you're describing is schizophrenia.”Harold: “No, no. It's not schizophrenia. It's just a voice in my head. I mean, the voice isn't telling me to do anything. It's telling me what I've already done... accurately, and with a better vocabulary.”

It gets much worse when the voice announces that the seemingly insignificant act of changing the time on his watch will ultimately cause his imminent death.

That’s when Harold seeks out alternative wisdom and finds noteworthy aid in Dr. Jules Hilbert, played by the esteemed and always captivating Dustin Hoffman, a literature professor who endeavors to discover what kind of story Harold is in, and who the mysterious narrator is. He is the sole person who believes Harold’s narration isn’t a product of his insanity.

Simultaneously, Harold is sent to audit Ana Pascal, a feisty, anarchy-bent baker played superbly by Maggie Gyllenhaal, who really stands out in this role. She has a spunky, bold yet gentle demeanor and she eventually warms to Harold, despite the fact that she yells “TAX MAN!” at him angrily when they first meet. Even during their first encounter Harold’s attracting to Ana is revealed by Eiffel, and after a few awkward occasions their relationship becomes a sort of measurement device for whether his story is a comedy or a tragedy.

Harold: Miss Pascal, you can't just not pay your taxes. Ana : Yes, I can.
Harold: You can if you want to get audited.
Ana: Only if I recognize your right to audit me, Mr. Crick
Harold :Miss Pascal, I'm right here auditing you.

While Harold experiences his own trials and tribulations, Eiffel, his narrator, is preoccupied with how to kill him. Emma Thompson plays the sarcastic and extremely witty woman who is constantly occupying herself with ways to kill off the protagonists in every novel she writes. But this time she has writers block. That’s where her assistant, Penny Escher, played by Queen Latifah, comes in. She is hired by Eiffel’s publishers to ensure that the novel is finished by the allotted deadline. The cynical and ironic banter that shifts back and forth between the women is very entertaining, as Eiffel sits in the rain as part of her research, envisioning car crashes as Penny criticizes her very literal technique of observation.

Meanwhile Harold learns, through encouragement from Dr. Hilbert, that despite the possibility of his impending death, he no longer needs to live in a world regimented by numbers and rigid rules. He goes to a guitar store and buys one that says something about him, as Eiffel narrates. He stops counting his brushstrokes, his footsteps and starts to live. One night he decides to reveal his true feelings to Ana Pascal with the sentimental gesture of bringing her a box of flours. Harold: ‘Miss Pascal, I've been odd. I know I've been odd, and I know that there are many forces at work telling me that time is literally, that I should bring these down here to you. But I brought these for you because... I want you.’
Ana: ‘me? ‘Harold: ‘I want you.’Ana : ‘You want me?’Harold : ‘In no uncertain terms.’

Despite the fact that Ana shares feelings for Harold, and his story appears to be a comedy after all, he finally discovers that Eiffel is the narrator. He frantically undergoes the process of seeking her out to convince her to spare his life, because he is…real, after all. But when he reads the story planned out for him he realizes that story is not complete unless it ends with his demise, and decides to sacrifice himself for an amazing piece of literature.

But it is Harold’s selfless, kind nature that saves him from his fate, when Eiffel realizes at the last moment that she can’t kill Harold, who is no longer just a character, despite the poetic, tragic and poignant end that she has written.

Kay Eiffel: ‘Because it's a book about a man who doesn't know he's about to die. And then dies. But if a man does know he's about to die and dies anyway. Dies- dies willingly, knowing that he could stop it, then- I mean, isn't that the type of man who you want to keep alive?’

Aside from the touching story, acting, depth of characters, amazing writing, graphics and music, another amazing aspect of this film is the imagery used, like Ana’s face lighting up under the lamplight when Harold presents her with bags of flour. Or a bright green apple rolling along the pavement, as Eifeel receives her unexplainable inspiration for Harold’s death. Or one of the final scenes, when Ana is lying with Harold and places a Bavarian sugar cookie in the shape of a heart over his own. Covered in casts, and severely injured, as Ana puts it, Harold rests in a hospital bed, and Ana draws a watch with a smiley face on his arm. The same time device that used to rule his life has now ironically saved him. And this is how the story ends.

“And, so it was, a wristwatch saved Harold Crick.”

Deceit and dominance = delightful

What is the price of total obedience? Hot Gimmick is a 12 volume manga series by Miki Aihara, about the ways a teenage girl has to cope with emotional and physical subjugation to someone who she has feared since childhood. Despite the candy-coated appearance of this series, it contains very mature adult content, and flirts with topics of rape, violence, and normalized abusive relationships. What becomes a very striking feature of this manga series are the chameleon-like transformations of many of the characters, who reveal opposite personalities and trade places with their protagonist counterparts. Once you think you have someone deciphered, you discover something darker or lighter about their persona which jars the entire essence of the story.

Hatsumi Narita has never been very sure of herself and often comes across as timid when faced with things outside of her comfort zone. Living in a company housing complex, where your every move is watched by superior employees and their families, forces many people to walk on eggshells. Loose tongues could cost her father his job, and place her family in a dire situation. The reader enters Hatsumi’s life in a particularly risky situation. Her promiscuous younger sister, Akane, is in need of a pregnancy test, and convinces Hatsumi to purchase one for her.

Kindhearted and self-sacrificing, Hatsumi often places the needs of others before her own, which could be interpreted as a flaw or a virtue. This makes her seems especially adorable and vulnerable. But in this circumstance her good intentions are punished with an ill-fated encounter with Ryoki, the son of her father’s vice president and a solitary, unpleasant resident of her apartment building. His mother, the cruel Mrs. Tachibana, rules the building with an iron fist, and nothing escapes her eyes and ears or those of her vigilant, ass-kissing housewives.

As luck would have it, Hatsumi bumps into Ryoki on her way into the building, dropping her bag, which he retrieves. When he sees the pregnancy test Hatsumi is trapped. She decides to spare her sister the judgment and takes the blame in her stead. She isn’t prepared for the all encompassing consequences of that decision. Ryoki charges her with becoming his slave, a.k.a. his completely submissive girlfriend, in exchange for his silence. It turns out that the brooding, proud young man has never had sex, and wants to use Hatsumi as “practice” so that he won’t appear pathetic or unmanly in future sexual encounters. As twisted and horrible as this may sound, Ryoki turns out to be as insecure as Hatsumi, although much more angry and dominating than she is, and their encounters develop sporadically and haltingly on both sides.

To thicken the plot, Asuza Odagiri, Hastumi’s past childhood crush, returns to the complex. As a male model and actor, he attracts the attention of everyone in the building and at high school. Eventually Hatsumi realizes that her feelings for him have returned in full force, and could possibly be reciprocated, but Ryoki makes it his mission to keep close tabs on her. Asuza becomes suspicious when he witnesses Hatsumi bending to the will of the guy who was a nightmare to her when the three of them were children, and the situation gets messy.
In an act of rebellion, Hatsumi begins to date Asuza, despite feeling somewhat unworthy to be in the presence of such a disarming heartthrob. But the boy who wins over everyone is not what he seems. His true colors emerge when he reveals that his family left the company complex years ago because of an affair that he believes Hatsumi’s father had with his mother, and then abandoned her when she became ill. His return has been fuelled by his desire to get revenge on Hatsumi, who he has chosen to punish for her father’s indiscretion.

In an unexpected act of protective heroism, Ryoki comes to her rescue when she is cornered alone with Asuza and his cronies. This marks a turning point in this series, where Ryoki’s tough exterior begins to soften toward the girl who he seems to want control over but may just want to love and be with.

As the story develops we discover that Hatsumi’s older brother Shinogu was adopted when they were toddlers, and has hidden a growing love for the girl that he is convinced he can never be with. A quiet, loyal, determined and kind-hearted youth, Shinogu harbors very tender feelings toward Hatsumi, and never fails to protect her or do what is best for her, even if that means removing himself from the household.

As naïve and bumbling as Hatsumi can be, she truly has a good heart, which is what attracts the adoration of so many men in this series. She can be insecure and shy, but has moments of definitive purpose and passion, which increase as she becomes more aware of what she really wants, despite her slavery. She is as multifaceted as all the characters in this manga, and begins to realize that she loves Ryoki, as she grows to have confidence in herself.

Once the feelings between slave and master are revealed, their intimate moments take on a different dimension. Hatsumi begins to give in to the desire that she feels for Ryoki, and returns his caresses although she isn’t yet ready to go all the way. Needless to say, there are a lot of steamy moments.
Ultimately Hot Gimmick converts into an entirely different kind of story, with an ending that only disappoints because of the fact that we can’t follow the continuation of the budding relationship. Dark and full of twists, this series still contains a lot of warm, intimate moments, and glimpses into the good that exists where you least expect it. As strong and powerful as Ryoki wants to appear, he is as vulnerable and unsure of himself as anyone else, and secretly begins to love and care for Hatsumi, who he was fond of as a child. Underneath it all, appearances can be deceiving.

Contentment

Words of Wisdom from Cosmo TV

Here are some fun facts that I happened to catch during the commercial breaks of the ever-so enlightening, Cosmopolitan T.V. Stay tuned for future updates on things that we, as women, should no doubt be aware of. I can only hope that 99% of you find these statements utterly pointless, unrealistic, and immensely improbable.

-56% of guys have bailed on a girl after a hook up
-According to guys, the sexiest professionals are flight attendants, models, and dancers
-68% of women say that traveling alone is a great way to meet people
-Single men are less likely than married men to say they are “very happy”
-67% of people say I love you to someone every day
-86% of guys say they stress after a date about whether you had fun

Hope this was as educational for you as it was for me. Enough said. With any luck the rooms full of monkeys on typewriters at Cosmo can conjure up some more helpful gems of information to enhance our lives. Somehow I feel as though the monkeys possess infinitely more wisdom than the vapid, Josie Dye.

Hard? More like chewy, or bubbly, Madonna.

Tangy, tart, and sweet, with bursts of sugary flavor. Definitely a new, savory treat from the original pop princess, but Madonna didn’t blow my taste buds away. She gave me a pleasant melt-in-your-mouth high, but I found nothing groundbreaking about this album, and nothing that lasted longer than the typical sugar rush.
Hard Candy left me wondering why Madonna left the riveting, absorbing, thought provoking, electro/dance beat style of Confessions on a Dance Floor. In my opinion her last album was more like a pulsing, trippy, deep experience, while hard Candy offers a sampling of surface delights, but lacks the long-lasting attraction of something more substantial.

This album does have some spunk and spirit, but the tunes weren’t as riveting as I would have liked. If you like a sprinkling of pop, light sound with a lot of cotton candy lyrics that melt quickly on your tongue then this is the album for you. Granted, there were certain tracks that caught my attention, with a certain array of hypnotizing beats that managed to keep me entranced.

Songs like "Heartbeat", which begins with the simple, resonating sound of a pulsing heart, then emerges into a fast, fresh arrangement of synthesized piano keys, accompanied by a deeper, stronger beat, which pulls you in. It’s something I could feel myself moving to, because the underlying current of the song is the heartbeat itself and the flashy, throbbing texture. The lyrics are also catchy and sweet.

“On any given night, catch me on the floor, working up a sweat, that’s what music’s for.
“You know I feel it in my heart beat, it may feel old to you, but to me it feels new.
Don’t you know, can’t you see, when I dance I feel free.
Which makes me feel like the only one, the only one, that the light shines on.”

What made me take the time to finally perk up and listen is the beat of some songs in this album, which are never overpowering, but always mesmerizing, even though some of the tunes took time to grow on me.

The tracks that gave off the best first impression were ones that had a disco feel. Like something you could visualize being blasted from speakers at a roller skate rink, with tingly, soft lights highlighting the short shorts of bubble gum blondes gliding with pink wheels under their toes. Maybe it’s the retro style of some of the songs, but they do contain an element of that Saturday night boogie flavor.

“She’s not me”, especially, portrays the curled, flared, vivid feel of a retro night. The song starts off with a series of quirky handclaps, a peppery pulse, and a flash of catchy piano notes which blend right into the orange and purple wallpaper and tacky upholstery.

“She started dressing like me and talking like me, it freaked me out. She started calling you up in the middle of the night, what’s that about?
I just want to be there, when you discover. You wake up in the morning, next to your new lover. She might cook you breakfast, and love you in the shower. The flavor of the moment, cause she don’t have what’s ours.”

Hearing the spunky, kitsch sound, I can’t help but see Madonna in a sexy 50’s housecoat, preparing pancakes with murderous intentions, rollers in her hair, and a cigarette dangling from her lip as her cheating boyfriend’s beat up mustang pulls into the driveway.

The collaborations in this album aren’t too bad, with her homeboy J.T. being the most prominent. Kanye West takes the runner up position with “Beat Goes on.” I have to say that next to a veteran musical revolutionary like Madonna, Kanye’s in your face confidence sounds a little deflated. There is no doubt that he sounds like pure accompaniment to Madonna’s honed, vintage sound. I had to admit I derived a little pleasure from hearing him as a back-up singer, but the placement of vocals works sufficiently.

Aside from “4 minutes”, which definitely sparked a lot of interest when it debuted on the airwaves, the other Madonna + Justin team-up hit of this album is “Dance 2night.”

This song has a certain Beegees, meets sultry lounge singer sound. There is a story here, of boy and girl meet, take a chance and of course, boogey down. It’s purely something to shake to, but it’s catchy, funky and uncomplicated. There is somewhat dazzling, rainbow, electric kind of mood, where the purpose is to feel good, no matter what that entails.

“You don’t have to be beautiful, to be understood
You don’t have to be rich and famous to be good.
You just gotta give more, more, more, than you ever have before
And you gottta move fast, fast fast, if you want this good thing to last.”

I have to admit that this duo sounds right together, and if Justin ever entered a club looking for the hottest, toned, older foxy lady in the joint, he would no doubt find Madonna, and she would “fall for his love in the worst way.”

One of the last songs that I felt connected to from the start was, “Devil wouldn’t recognize you”, for its sharp yet murky, undulating, bedtime-story-gone-wrong feel. A tale of what to watch out for, in the form of a man turned into addiction. The light piano, strings, rippling, popping, techno sounds, and Madonna’s story-teller voice is magnetic.

“As quiet, as it is tonight, you’d almost think you were saved…
Waiting underneath the stars, there’s something you should know. The angels they surround my heart, telling me to let you go.”

The ebony tone of the song, with a poignant, accompanying chorus of voices, puts me in mind of a little red riding hood opera, where the girl in the cape meets the wolf, is deceived, yet keeps returning for more.
With Hard Candy, Madonna hasn’t lost the exquisite ability to make us move, with beats that float and dip like the lights of a rotating disco ball, or tell us simple, yet lively stories with a bubblegum taste that you can chew on as you groove. Despite the somewhat produced-pop ring to some of the songs, there is an element of original sound in this album, if you have the sweet tooth for throbbing chocolate indulgences, clusters of fizzy, popping sensations, and the sticky sweet stimulation of Madonna’s newest candy creation, with her personal invitation to, “have some more.”

Dan in Real Life

In real life, things are often impossible to plan. Impossible to contrive. Moments can be awkward, comical, uncomfortable, imperfect, lopsided, fleeting, impractical, ill-timed, chaotic, and somehow everything still works out.

Dan in Real Life is a film that so completely embodies this concept, of the many beautiful, unplanned scenarios that unravel in our lives and carry us where we need to go, regardless of how random or untimely things may seem. Basically we have no control over where life will take us, and its best to try and keep an open mind, even when things get bumpy, or we happen to take a wrong turn.

Dan, played by the ever so awkwardly amusing Steve Carell, is a widower and a single father of three daughters. His column, entitled, Dan in Real Life, is an advice feature where he shares guidance and moral reflections about raising children as a single parent. We enter Dan’s life 4 years after the passing of his wife, as he and his daughters are embarking on their yearly trip to the family cottage in Rhode Island. Only on this trip, everything unexpected will happen.

Something remarkable about this movie is the effortless sequences that portray the rituals which unfold in a household of 3 young women and a father who struggles to hold everything together on his own. A simple moment, for example, where he folds their clothes, and upon finding a thong, dutifully enquires who it belongs to. In another shot he is constructing sandwiches for all three girls, and draws a secret smiley face on the inside of one with honey. He then meticulously slices off the crusts before packing them away. It is those very real, very relatable moments of detail and humanity that truly makes this film an open portrayal of life.

Even the different relationship that Dan has with each daughter is relatable in every banter of conversation, every look, and every inevitable battle. With each moment shared between the small family unit we witness how both parties can overlook the point of view of the other. Jane, the eldest, wants to learn to drive, but Dan refuses to permit it. When she argues her point he replies, “But if I let you, you might not live.”

Meanwhile Cara, the second eldest, claims to have fallen in love with a boy, and being dragged away when the family leaves on vacation causes nothing short of a chaotic uproar. When daughter and father duel, Dan argues that you can’t know that you love someone in 3 days, as Clara repeats her mantra, “I love him, I love him, I love him”, as the car pulls away from her beloved.

Once Dan and his mutinous female crew reach the cottage, Dan’s life takes a sudden turn, which becomes enhanced by touching family hijinks and a range of emotional scenarios.

He meets a whimsical, witty and candid woman at a bookstore, who happens to be looking for something to make her laugh, and finds Dan, who she mistakes for an employee. Unfortunately, the woman who he has made a completely unplanned, unorthodox, yet surprisingly poignant connection with, is his brother’s (Dane Cook) new girlfriend, Marie. This sought after woman, who Dan’s entire family becomes enamored of, is played by the gem of an actress, Juliette Binoche, who’s mischievous, daring, and carefree performance is completely disarming. She walks into Dan’s life like a breath of fresh air, leaving him completely befuddled, vulnerable and adorably distraught by his newfound feelings for a woman who he cannot pursue.

He accidentally ends up explaining his intense feelings to his daughter, Clara, when humoring her young love. “Is it frustrating that you can't be with this person? That there's something keeping you apart? That there's something about this person that you can connect with? And whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart, and you know that if you could just be together, that this person would help you become the best possible version of yourself?”

I think that Dan’s especially precocious vulnerability makes him so relatable, and such a living, breathing character, who is both hopefully uplifted at moments, despairingly alone and amusingly confused as to what he should do next. His character is a near perfect portrayal of what we all encounter in life, when things don’t work out the way we plan, when we fear what others will think, question our abilities, what is right and wrong, and what we are meant for. Floundering, lovesick, Dan struggles to hide his feelings, yet finds that despite all the obstacles, what is meant to be will be. Love is messy, as his mother wisely states, and in the end, “There's rightness in our wrongness.”
When compared to other romantic comedies where siblings or friends love the same woman and complications ensue, I found that all others were left in the dust. This story, written by Pierce Gardner, and largely based on his own experiences with his family during summers spent together is so refreshingly natural, warm, intimate, playful, and absorbingly genuine, that it draws you in, effortlessly.

It feels like an authentic family, where the kids do eat in a separate room, at a small crowded table, screaming and laughing hysterically, while the adults conduct long conversations in the dining room. Where games of charades, pantomimes and crosswords are so competitive, good natured and hysterical all at once, and the boys and the girls end up duking it out for bragging rights. Where there are so many people fighting for the bathrooms, crowding the laundry room or trying to find one silent nook in which to talk, rest, gossip or simply collapse on a mattress in utter melancholy.

The warmth and the reality of family bonding which is so vividly present in this movie made it both endearing and surprisingly nostalgic, of times spent with relatives where tender moments ensued, or when you felt all alone in a crowded house because you were so absorbed in your own thoughts. The acting, the characters and the moments of humour were so natural and flowed together well, and never in an over the top or phoney way, as some comedies tend to perform.

Another element of this film which added to its relaxed and playful personality was the music, which was performed by Sondre Lerche, a Norwegian musician who combines jazz, pop and Brazilian folk with his own raw, melodic, ever transitioning sound. Both uplifting, loose, raw, dynamic and tranquil, his sound puts me in the mind of lazy hot nights, days frolicking in the lake, cool drinks, games of volleyball, every shade of woodland green imaginable and a sense of carefree serenity that accompanies the blissful nature of summer.

Director Peter Hedges was drawn to his music and handpicked Lerche as the distinct sound of Dan in Real Life. Hedges and Lerche also collaborated with the actors to create an uncluttered, under produced and natural soundtrack for the film. They wanted music to be used more sparingly than the usual Hollywood soundtrack, and for songs to accentuate the characters and the mood accurately. One especially endearing scene which Lerche helped to coordinate is when Dane Cook’s character, Mitch, serenades Marie, accompanied by Dan. They perform, “Let my love open the door” at a family talent show, and Dan ends up transforming the tune into a ballad at the end, which he sings for Marie alone.

Deep down at its heart, this film portrays human connections and a frank, accurate understanding of the relationships that unfold unexpectedly, but need no explanation. Dan in Real Life embraces life, shows us how we always have choices, whether they are difficult or easy, but they need to be made for our own happiness, which can’t always be planned, but is definitely real.