I shake life

I shake life
Rattle it like a box full of nails and pins
Jiggle it till it does something for me
Thump it till it answers, comes to fruition
Thrash it till it produces something valuable
Hammer it till it AGREES WITH EVERYTHING I SAY
Strike it till I think I’m God
Then hurl it to the ground
Curl up in the corner, frustrated….unable to win
But my better half is there beside me
She’s watching me struggle
Her smile is one I don’t always see
When I think like she does everything is clear
Life isn’t about winning or losing
It’s about living
I feel the sun on my face again
I walk in my own shoes again
I can look down at the sad side of myself
The scared, angry, self-deprecating side
I look closer
Squinting
I see myself
Standing there, not worthy to exist
Hiding in plain daylight
Running from her shadow
And I say simply,
“I want to be your friend.”
“I want to show you love.”
I see her blink in surprise
Taken aback
She asks me, “Really?”
Too good to be true
“Yes,” I say. “This is what I will do.”
“I will hold your hand.”
“I will accept you for who you are.”
“When you get off track, I won’t punish you.”
“I will be gentle with you, every day.”
“Until you can be gentle with yourself.”
She asks again, blinking back tears, “Really?”
“Yes.”
There are no conditions, no string attached
I hold no carrot to tempt her
All I offer is to embrace all that she is
“Yes,” I say again.
There’s a joyful, warm ache in my breast, pulsing under the flesh
I feel it well up,
Like birds trying to escape, beating their wings
Like the sunrise breaking through the trees,
As I tell her, utterly sure,
“Yes.”