Playing with control in the bedroom

SMACK. Leather hits flesh.

"Tell me what you know!"

SMACK. He's bent over, taut cheeks getting redder.

"Answer your mistress!"

SMACK, SMACK. You know he won't comply, and that gets you both excited.

If you're into bondage and sadomasochism (BDSM), consensual role playing can take on unlimited dimensions.

According to Mistress Patricia Marsh, a professional dominatrix who runs the House of Domination and Fantasy in Toronto, personality doesn't indicate whether you're a dom or a sub.

"It's only in a context of sexuality," says Marsh. "There's nothing that characterizes one or the other."

So you've picked a safe word and it's business time. From torturing your enemy to rewarding your slave here's what you need to know:

Develop a style
"Find inspiration that connects with your character traits," says Viktoria Kalenteris, a Toronto sex educator. Use a character from a book or movie and take it to an intimate level.
Feel an affinity with Lara Croft? Strap on your holsters. A costume can get you in that mind frame and set the atmosphere. According to Marsh, keep your demands specific, like, "Keep your mouth open. Squeeze your nipples. Spread your legs." Make them thank you. It's more embarrassing.

Plan your attack
Arrange the scene and create guidelines. Communicate your likes and dislikes.
"There need to be hard limits," says Marsh. Determine a barometer of force by starting off gradually and caressing between each blow. Bend them over your lap and tease their naughty bits. Or, suggests Marsh, "Stick your finger in their ass, because it's right there."
Who can deny that logic.

Be imaginative
Use household objects like a hairbrush or your SOC text for naughty punishment. Buy some neck ties at Goodwill for thrifty and effective bondage. Make use of bed, table and chair legs for binding.

Heighten the senses
A blindfold amplifies everyday foreplay. Contrast sensations of ice and heat, pain and pleasurable toys. Use only your vagina or penis to touch their body. "They won't be thinking of laundry," says Marsh.

Gather intelligence
Know what you're getting into before you play, says Kalenteris. Check out Encyclokink, a user generated resource on the online BDSM community, Triskelionsociety.com. Or take a handson workshop. Kalenteris hosts Fetish 4play and Kinky 4play, a pair of monthly interactive events in Toronto. Sex shops like Good for Her and Come as You Are also offer sessions on everything from role play to flogging and rope binding. You'll be hog-tying like a pro in no time.

Take it up a notch
If you'd like to break out of the bedroom take a peek at EhBC.ca for a calendar featuring some local and Canada-wide kinky events. Hook up with other attention whores like yourself and get inspired.

Be aware
When immobilizing someone, make sure not to cut off circulation and that knots aren't digging into the flesh. Don't tie someone in an extreme position that will cause discomfort over time. Avoid taking a Facebook break. In case of an emergency, asserts Marsh, "You're responsible, because they can't be responsible for themselves." So don't leave. Period. Don't do anything unexpected and use common sense, says Marsh.

"Don't put your cock in a fucking frying pan."

*This article is featured in Ryerson's student run newspaper, The Eyeopener Love & Sex Issue.