"Refresh" your twat

"After your period, refresh.
After intimacy, refresh.
After douching, refresh."

Ever seen this commercial of glowing, satisfied looking women who seem as though it’s their sweetest ambition in life to “refresh” their twat all the live-long-day?

*Cue every-woman voice over* That’s right ladies, if you have odor issues downtown there are some handy little wipes that deliver a cool, tingly, clean sensation so you can get on with your day, as a confident, carefree woman.

Obviously vaginal odour is such an embarrassing and catastrophic part of being a woman that the feminine beauty industry needs to sell us yet another product by persuading us that we’re all smelly as a fish market down there.

Almost as if we can’t be our sexy, true selves if we don’t waft alluring scents of daisy and lavender from our nether regions at the gym, the subway or walking down the street, like walking Glade PlugIns. Imagine if you walked down the street and every time your twat sensed that things were a little off it proceeded to release a little spritz of jasmine scent. Re-god-damn-diculous. So who do they want us to purchase this happy-rainbow-and-sunshine-pussy-in-a-package for? Do you really feel the need to pay to smell like floral bouquet down there? If we were meant to smell that way then we would have been born that way. So what message are we really getting from advertisers? My ears perked up at this line, “After intimacy, refresh.”

Aha! If your pussy smells slightly past its “best before” date, no man is going to want to get with that. So now we should all tote around little wipes for the wear and tear of the day because we’re not clean and fresh enough. I smell bullshit….and it’s coming from advertisers, not in between my legs.

If our peaches are expected to smell ripe and appealing for the opposite sex then why not freshen ourselves up with some smells they’re used to, like nachos and beer? That’s right ladies, clean your intimate areas before sex with this scented wipe and smell like steak and scotch, just perfect for the working man who’s coming home to your inadequate aroma.

What pisses me off is the implied message that that our vaginas, which are the source of all human life by the way (in case you forgot), have to meet a certain standard to fit into this impossible definition of “femininity.” Like if you visit the tea party without matching gloves and doilies your fucked. Our face, breasts, legs, stomach, complexion, hair and our pussies are subjected to enough panhandling in our lifetimes to make you want to riot. Frankly I think I’d like to. My sign would read, “Quit plaguing my body! Let my pussy go!”

Let’s make one thing clear, if some guy receives the highly esteemed privilege of getting into your knickers and then proceeds to critique the natural smells of your beautiful, womanly body he can take his ungrateful goods elsewhere. Every woman is made the way she was intended and the amount of judgment rained upon our lovely bodies is ludicrous, so I think it’s high time we shut it out.

We can all use common sense and be hygienic with our private parts, but why the hell should we be expected to go above and beyond? I don’t know about you, but I don’t need a gold star stuck down there. If you love your lady bits, that should be good enough for anybody.

Another note on this topic of men commenting on our genitals. It’s quite interesting how we are expected to evoke images of floral country meadows between our legs while there is no expectation placed on men whatsoever. I mean, you might comment with your girlfriends about how giving some guy a blowjob was less than pleasant, but that’s likely because he didn’t shower, not because he lacked a tulip aroma around his ball sack.

You don’t see commercials that persuade men to “freshen up” their junk before intimacy, and you aren’t likely to anytime either. Funny how women have always been given this burden of smelling and looking perfect before sex, after sex, during our periods, at the gym, after a long day at work. We’re meant to be crisp and fresh, like candy just out of the wrapper. But that’s not reality kids. The only thing we need to refresh is how we regard these standards of femininity and the warped expectations placed on us and our cunts. Our sacred gardens happen to smell just fine, thank you very much.